𝒈𝒐𝒐𝒅𝒃𝒚𝒆

tonight I had to make a difficult decision. it was forced. I forced myself. I didn't know what to do for some time now. I was losing who I am and I had lost my self-respect. how could I keep trying even tho I saw how much I didn't mean anything to him? how could I keep losing myself in his eyes when they weren't even seeing me? what could life offer me when I am no longer myself? 

I gave up on the person I thought I loved. he was the only person I was ready to give up my everything for. 

I just wanted to run, far far away. I wanted to disappear and never come back. I couldn't even say something. I didn't even say goodbye. I will never be able to let go of him if he is there staring at me while I say my goodbyes. 

this piece of note is the worst blog I have ever written. I couldn't care less. my thoughts are all over the place. I can't put words together and make sense of them. I cant even speak one word out loud. I am silenced by all the overwhelming feelings. something is choking me. someone is strangling me. I never felt like this before. maybe because I never fell for anyone like I fell for him. I wished I had chosen someone who could love me back. I guess that is just not how the world works. 

cant believe I gave him this much power. i made it impossible to live with him on my head calling my name nonstop. there is this vision that haunts me, the very first time I confessed how I felt about him to myself. that was the very first time I shed a tear for him. I couldn't cry ever since. god knows how much I want to cry right now. why, why can't I? too sad to cry? 

maybe I am angry too. 

angry that he couldn't love me back, angry that he couldn't see how I was dying in front of him, angry that he couldn't hold my hand and told me he wouldn't let go.

babe, this part is for you.

I know, I never called you that. I wanted to, but I was never your babe. I am furious but also sad. believe me I tried to stick around. you have no idea how hard you made it for me. you don't know how much I wanted to stick around. I would have never left. I would never hurt you or let anyone hurt you. now my dear, I won't be there when you need me, when I need you. I won't be able to light your cigarettes. I won't hold your hand ever again. it is crazy to know you don't care about all this. 

finally, I am crying now. finally, I can set you free. go, find people that will never love you the way I did, without asking anything in return, without even letting you know how much I cared behind your back. all the plans I made for us are far away now. I planned the perfect future of yours just to make you happy. I forgot myself along the way, maybe I should've realized earlier. even while preparing the best for you, I was not included in that future. you never asked for me to be there with you.

now all I can do is to wish you a happy life. my love, you will never know how much you meant for me. all could be different if you just saw me truly. however babe, there is nothing I can do anymore. forgive me for letting you go. and also, forgive me for not forgiving you. I deserve at least to blame you. otherwise, I have nothing left. take care, I would say but I know that you won't. find someone who is caring like me, find someone you care back. don't let me know when you do. I can hope you find her, but my fragile heart would die if I saw it.

I should stop writing somewhere. dont be mad because I never said anything. you never made me feel like it is okay to f*cking love you!

before things get out of hand and I start hurting you just like you hurt me for weeks now,

goodbye.